Grief.

Losing someone is hard… losing five or more loved ones is harder… Everyone has problems, & I understand that. That’s why I still think that I am blessed even though I have been put through soo much. I don’t want pity. I’m not asking for any. I’m not that kind of a person. I just want someone to listen. The first time I lost someone.. it was like, someone grabbed a dagger & repeatedly stuck it in my heart… my lungs.. my stomach… my head.. all at once. It was as if my whole world just paused & it kept me in a moment that I didn’t want to stay in. I just wanted to wake up & realize that it was all just a dream. But… it wasn’t. The second.. or third.. or fourth or so on time that it happened… a piece of me left with them too.. That light? of happiness that everyone else has.. just kept getting more dim… & more dim… until it was hard to even see.. That feeling of regret you have.. of never being able to talk to them, hug them, see their smile ever again is something that lives on in me.. When I lost my cousin….

That. Was a whole chunk of me. 

I am NOT the same person I was before that happened.. & you shouldn’t expect someone to be the same before they lost someone because of something you could have helped them with… But then again.. who knows if I would have even made a difference? 

People ask me… “are you scared of dying/to die?” I always answer the same, “No… I can’t wait to meet my maker, & to be with the ones I love.” But, then I start to think.. what about the ones I love here on Earth? I’m going to miss them just as much as I miss those up in heaven right now. I’m always going to miss someone.. the pain will never go away. I’m slowly learning to move on.. with so many other issues that follow this subject it’s really hard to. There’s still so much anger, frustration, sadness & grief that comes with the whole “moving on” thing. I cry about Her everyday.. I miss Her every time I breathe. So no… I guess it really doesn’t get any easier than this… 

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